The Bell Curve

+ 2 Philadelphians who turn their guns over to the police receive PlayStations and Xboxes. "What could I get for, say, a lump of heroin?" asks Philly cop. "Because I stole some."

0 Rich Subbio, a former staffer for U.S. Rep. Bob Brady, says he may run for City Council in 2011. "Either that or move to Central West Africa to live among the silverback gorillas," says Subbio. "I believe my experience qualifies me for both."

+ 3 The city hires a new tugboat operator in place of the one involved in this month's Ride the Ducks accident. "Not only is it good policy," says Mayor Nutter, "but it'll make an adorable children's book."

- 2 City Controller Alan Butkovitz says former Free Library president Elliot Shelkrot accepted an improper $230,000 bonus. "Shhh," says Shelkrot.

+ 1 Friday Night Lights shoots at Temple University. The 22 actors who portray high school football players on the show instantly become the 22 best football players to ever set foot on Temple University's campus.

0 Rumors circulate that Philly's first Apple store will open on Friday. "I'm gonna pick up a nice Red Delicious," says Stu Bykofsky, just not getting it at all.

+1 Food Network films a meatball contest between two South Philly restaurants. And, by sheer coincidence, they're cooking meatballs.

- 1 A construction workers pension fund with a $57 million stake in the struggling luxury 10 Rittenhouse Square project takes over the building. "Yous can come in, siddown, wawtch da Philz," says Frankie Lunchpail to his pal Jimmy Hardhat. "Try duh foey grass. Just uh don't put yer dirty boots up on dat white cayshmere automaton."

This week's total: 5 | Last week's total: -3