The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

-5 A homicide suspect jumps out of a vehicle carting him to jail, and police fail to find him. "You know, as soon as we switched the sirens with 'Yakety Sax,' I knew there'd be trouble," says commissioner Johnston. "But the slide whistles are a vital crime-fighting tool and you won't convince me otherwise."

+1 New Jersey Gov. Christie signs a bill eliminating offensive language like "mentally retarded" and "feebleminded" from state statutes. But "button dicked" can stay, for now.

-1 Somebody slashes the tires on cars belonging to city workers, including Mayor Michael Nutter and City Controller Alan Butkovitz. And Councilman Grundle Taint, who is always parked between the two.

+1 A Planning Commission member resigns after attending a fundraiser for Joe Sestak, which is an ethics violation. "Ain't no party like a Sestak party," she shrugs.

+1 Jersey Shore star Ronnie lands in jail for outstanding warrants. Though the crimes were quite ordinary.

+1 "The Solitude," an unused building located in the Philadelphia Zoo, will open in September. My God, it's full of dodo corpses.

-6 A Medicaid-run health fair targets the Chinatown community, noting that the majority of its residents live below the poverty line and many have fair to poor health. Yeah, well, maybe if every meal didn't come with bogus lottery predictions.

-2 New Jersey teachers receive the lowest average raise in 30 years: 1.6 percent. Which, Bell Curve would like to point out, is still a raise.

+1 Heidi Hamels organizes a fundraiser for Philly schools that includes Tony Orlando, LeAnn Rimes and several Playmates. "What!? These are the most famous children's entertainers on my home planet."

+3 The Philly Senior Stage holds theater workshops in retirement homes around the city. Their first production is Lips Together, Teeth in a Glass.

This week's total: -7 | Last week's total: 2