The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

	print	email	reply	rss feed

Published: Aug 25, 2010

 -1   Under a new proposed SEPTA fare system, travelers wouldn’t pay to get into Phila­delphia but would pay high fares to leave. A variation on the Roach Motel Model.

+4   A state panel votes in favor of Pennsylvania’s first regulations for its commercial dog kennels. “Thank you,” say thousands of shivering little Chihuahua ghosts, “for taking your time with this one.”

-4   To raise $1 billion for statewide bridge repair, Gov. Ed Rendell proposes a motor vehicle fee increase and oil tax. “I’m also proposing a tax on nuts,” says Rendell. “Which nuts?” ask Pennsylvania drivers. “Deez nuts!” says Rendell.

-1   “Carl Greene would be considered the best housing authority director,” says Gov. Ren­dell. “In a world with just one housing auth­ority director.”

+1 The Lenape tribe signs a friendship treaty with University of Pennsylvania’s Muse­um of Archaeology and Anthropology. “As  for the rest of the city,” says Chief Tam­anend XIV, “you may consider yourselves on notice.”

+1 The Gaming Control Board warns Parx Cas­ino that it must do a better job of stopping gamblers from leaving their children in cars while they play. Parx takes a good long look in the mirror. My God, it thinks. What am I doing to people? To families? Then it thinks, I should have somebody glue rare coins all over my mirror.

0  “If I knew then what I know now, obviously we wouldn’t have done it,” says Gov. Rendell about his mayoral administration creating DROP. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go retire for a minute.”

-2  The Attorney General’s office charges two bodybuilders from the suburbs with importing and distributing steroids. “This scheme took balls,” says investigator. “And turned them into teensy little Craisins.”

+1 Ghost Hunters films a segment at the Phila­delphia Zoo. My God. It’s full of charred monkey ghosts.

This week’s total: -1  |  Last week’s total: -7

A Million Stories
Target: Carl Greene