The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

-5 When the Philadelphia Housing Authority's equal-employment officer told Carl Greene about sexual-harassment complaints against him, she got demoted and her salary was cut. "I call bullshit," says Greene. "Getting named Grand Empress Bonerkiller is definitely a promotion."

-3 According to priceofweed.com, the average price for an ounce of low-grade marijuana in Pennsylvania is roughly five times the price of high-quality pot. It's like the people buying it are, like, on something.

+4 An 11-year-old girl from the Northeast leads the Pledge of Allegiance at President Obama's visit to Masterman School. Allegiance to Karl Marx and John Maynard Keynes.

+6 The federal government will give the Philly School District $96 million over the next two years. "I believe I'll purchase the 76ers," says Arlene Ackerman.

-1 Bill Clinton gives Tony Blair the 2010 Liberty Medal at the National Constitution Center for his "steadfast commitment to conflict resolution." Funniest part was when Blair dropped it and Clinton was like, "Oops, hey, your hands are covered in oil," and Blair's like, "No, that's blood," and Clinton's like, "Iraqi blood?" and Blair's like, "A fine guess, but no. You see, my heart turned jet black in 2003 and ever since, this is what my blood looks like. Oh, and I cut myself just so I can feel something."

+3 More than 2,000 cyclists ride through the rain for the fourth annual Bike Philly. With their clothes on, like a bunch of fucking prudes.

0 "I know it's bad form to question the greatness of Ed Rendell around here, but I'm wondering if he has lost some of his Midas touch," says Inquirer reporter columnist Paul Davies about the governor's involvement in recent scandals. Davies has not been seen since, though this gold cast of him is pretty neato.

-1 Kevin Kolb gets a concussion in his first game as the Eagles' No. 1 QB. "I'm amazed at how quickly he learned the system," says Donovan McNabb.

+4 The Germantown Y reopens after two years of repairs. It is now an X.

This week's total: 7 | Last week's total: -1