The Bell Curve

City Paper's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

[-1] The city sues a former newspaper delivery man for $10,000 in unpaid business privilege taxes. City then awards a municipal bureaucrat $750,000 for fake retiring.

[+1] Three would-be robbers who followed a New Jersey man home from SugarHouse are foiled when one trips over his baggy pants. Ultimately, though, it was the jughandles that did them in. "Why go to the right lane if I want to make a left? It's madness!"

[0] Longshoremen lobby the Port Authority to force Del Monte to resume deliveries to South Philly. Unfortunately, their statement came out like, "Fuckin' shit-eating fruit fuckers, what the Christ."

[+1] According to the Inky, some women are watching the Phillies because of their sex appeal. Also in the Inky: "CORRECTION: The Inquirer has learned that girls do, in fact, go number two. How and from where is still being investigated."

[-3] A drunk Chester man brings home injured kittens, intending to eat them, but his roommate calls the police. "If only they'd built the supermarket next to the soccer stadium like they said they would ... "

[+4] Delaware River Stevedores Inc. wins the contract to develop the Southport Marine Terminal. "Oh mierda," sighs DelVal Matadors Ltd. "We were really hoping to store our bullshit there."

[+1] South Philly native and former skinhead Frank Meeink, who "rarely went more than a week without beating on somebody," now speaks to students about tolerance. "Not a fan," he says.

[+1] Philly boxer Teneal Goyco says he was tricked into portraying Tiger Woods in a porn video. "It was a clever plot," says Goyco. "They took me to this hotel, and there was this naked chick there. And I did her. On video. They got me good."

[-2] In a Daily News jailhouse interview, Ira Einhorn, aka the Unicorn Killer, claims to have slept with 1,500 to 1,800 women. Coming soon: Teneal Goyco as Ima Einhorny in The Unicorn Holer.

This week's total 2: | Last week's total: -3