Deadly Serious

This week's election involved as ancient and stale a potion as any in Philly.

by Isaiah Thompson

Even in the hottest political climes, Man Overboard! is committed to serving the highest public interest, which is why, amid this post-election stew, I want to talk about Expired Coffee Unawareness — ECU — an issue that crosses party lines with deadly indifference. Last week, yours truly was stricken after taking the old hefty glug from a cup of coffee whose contents, upon further inspection, were at least three weeks old and had given rise to a fecund cauldron of life. The ensuing details, I will spare. But: Man Overboard! lived to tell his tale.

And what better parable than this week's election, which involved as ancient and stale a potion as any in Philly? For more than 150 years, Philadelphia's elections have been overseen by a group of three elected officials known as the city commissioners, making Philly the only one of America's 10 largest cities to elect the administrators of its elections. But that's hardly the only sign their expiration date may have passed.

Take, for example, its Apple II E-aged website: Back in the heady days of the 2008 election — on the very last day to register to vote, in fact — the city commissioners had not only declined to post the deadline, but, in fact, their website contained no mention at all of the presidential race. This Election Day, as issues with pol­ling-place changes, absentee balloting and broken machines came up, the website remained as stagnant as that evil cup'a. Were elections administered by the city, the site would have been included in its ongoing tech overhaul. But they aren't, and it isn't.

Did I mention that the commissioners' computers crashed because of a wave of new registrations in '08? They did. "You get an hourglass and it just sits and sits," said registration administrator Bob Lee of his computer at the time.

Speaking of those absentee-ballot issues: On the weekend prior to this election, the city commissioners became aware of ballots which had been properly mailed but — due to an error by the U.S. Postal Service — returned to their senders. How many? Nobody knew, but the commissioners refused repeated requests by watchdog group Committee of Seventy to ask a court to extend the deadline for those voters. Instead, they issued a three-sentence press release asking those affected to contact their office. ( To whom they issued the release isn't clear: "I don't know," said Deputy City Commissioner Fred Voigt, who then asked me what it said.)

Though nominally public, commissioners' meetings leading up to elections are held weekday mornings, and the only public notes are maintained by Seventy. As of last year, 18 of its 97 permanent employees were exempt from the city's merit-based civil service system, including Rene Tartaglione, daughter of Commissioner Marge Tartaglione, who happens to be a ward leader — as are the other two commissioners. A conflict of interests, perhaps?

Both Seventy and the Pennsylvania Intergovernmental Cooperation Authority have called for the city commissioners office's elimination — but so far, those recommendations have gone stale, too. Put all that in a cup and, well, would you drink it?

The lesson: Look before you gulp. Philly elections might be funny, but ECU, I assure you, is deadly serious.

Isaiah Thompson has prepared a DVD on how you can avoid ECU, only $9.95, plus S&H. Act now, supplies are limited! E-mail him at isaiah.thompson@citypaper.net.