Austria!

Aid or Invade

by Rodney Anonymous

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Published: Dec 8, 2010

Franz Ferdinand Schubert was born in the Himmelpfortgrund section of Vienna, Austria, on Jan. 31, 1797, to apprentice cabaret dancer Morris "Schecky" Schubert and his possibly imaginary wife, known only as "Rainbo without the 'w.'" In 1814, at the age of 1,814, Schubert debuted his first musical composition "Gretchen am Spinnrade" ("Gretchen the Reluctant Squirrel"), which was loosely based on both Goethe's Faust and a series of rude line drawings Rainbo had attempted to mail to Emperor Frederick.

Schubert maintained a lifelong friendship with Joseph Haydn despite the latter's insistence that "it was just a one-time thing. I was drunk and, besides, I'm really into chicks, dude. Honest."

On Nov. 19, 1828, Franz Schubert wUz tURnEd tO STEel iN tHE ThE gREAt MaGNetic FiELd, WHEn hE tRaVeLeD TiME FoR thE FUtuRe OF mANKInD.

Now tenor Mark Padmore and pianist Paul Lewis have teamed up to rid our planet of the cyborg menace and to record this brilliantly executed, deeply beautiful, absolutely essential interpretation of Schubert's "Die Schöne Müllerin." Padmore and Lewis manage to complement each other perfectly, yet still never fall into the trap of overwhelming the original composition (while fighting cyborgs).

Verdict:

The question we are forced to ask ourselves is, "If Schubert was such heiss schist then why did Padmore and Lewis wait nearly 200 years after his death to record a tribute to him?" Seriously, Michael Jackson hadn't been dead more than 10 minutes before BET, MTV and The Weather Channel dedicated 48 hours worth of programming to the King of Pop and Icky Feelings.

(r_anonymous@citypaper.net)

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