The Bell Curve

CP's Quality-O-Life-O-Meter

[+6] Pitcher Cliff Lee, who helped lead the Phillies to the 2009 World Series, re-signs with the team. Hank Steinbrenner offers $120 million for a lock of Lee's hair. "If we can't sign him, we'll make our own."

[+5] Cliff Lee is rumored to have rejected the Yankees' offer because his wife was spit on and yelled at by New York fans during this year's ALCS. Think about that, New York fans. Think about what this says about you, knowing what we all know about us.

[+4] UPenn Hospital announces it will soon begin performing hand transplants. Penn: Pushing for better hand jobs since 1740.

[+3] Philadelphia philanthropist Linda Lee Alter donates most of her art collection to the Pennsylvania Academy of the Fine Arts. "I guess that's a better way to do it," sighs the humiliated ghost of Albert C. Barnes.

[-3] State Rep. Michael P. McGeehan accuses Arlene Ackerman of suspending five whistle-blowers who spoke up about the school district's no-bid contracts. "I will convene the finest volunteer Red Velveteen Ribbon committee to address these claims," says Ackerman.

[-2] To promote safer sex, the city's Department of Public Health invites artists to design their condom wrappers. -(====8 heheheh

[+5] Lois Fernandez, who founded Philly's Odunde Festival, opens Osun Village, a $4.7 million complex for low-income seniors in South Philadelphia. "Just another salvo in the war on Christmas," says Jane Q Philly.com Commenter.

[+2] Joan Carter becomes first woman president of the Union League of Philadelphia. Next on the bucket list: its first tan member.

[+1] Five-time champion El Wingador announces he'll participate in the 2011 Wing Bowl. To a mostly empty Dunkin Donuts. At 11 a.m. On a Thursday.

[+4] West Philly's Clete Shields is commissioned to sculpt an 8-foot statue of Willie Nelson for the city of Austin. In the basement next door, some dude is doing the same thing for free out of neck beard clippings.

This week's total: 25 | Last week's total: 7