The Bell Curve

CP's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

[+2] After suspending six whistle-blower administrators last month, the School District lets four of them return to work. "The District is wise and just," they say in unison. "We were fools to question its might."

[+1] Locals celebrate Ben Franklin's 305th birthday. By gazing reverently into his privy.

[+1] A South Philly man who threatened to blow up the District Attorney's office, kill an assistant DA and blow up police headquarters can't return to the city without permission. Because he's in jail, right? Right?

[-3] Foxwoods investors appeal the Pennsylvania Gaming Control Board's decision to pull their license. "Furthermore," says Foxwoods CEO, "we demand new episodes of Arrested Development and Jericho."

[+1] Good-government groups are hopeful that this could be the year for reform in Harrisburg. Because they've got their lucky rabbit's foot. And that fortune cookie the other night sure was encouraging. Also, some dude in the parking lot just sold them real magic beans.

[-2] The gas industry, pharmaceutical companies, law firms, unions and other donors pay $3.5 million for Gov. Tom Corbett's inauguration festivities. Good-government groups start climbing the Comcast Tower and jumping off, their hopeless bodies eventually drying up and blowing away like the seeds of a dandelion.

[+4] Kenny Gamble's development corporation gets a $500,000 government grant to rebuild Point Breeze and Grays Ferry. "Oh wow," says Gamble. "A half-million bucks to fix two little neighborhoods! Hey thanks, you guys! Why, with the money left over, I might just hire a couple scientists to whip up some pet unicorns for everybody."

[+1] City Councilman Frank DiCicco says he will introduce legislation changing the DROP program. "Have you heard about this DROP thing? It's crazy. I'm gonna blow the lid off the entire operation," he says. "Also, have you seen one of these? It's a phone with camera built right in! Outstanding."