The Bell Curve

CP's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

[ -5 ] A grand jury report finds that a former Department of Health inspector failed to investigate Kermit Gosnell's abortion clinic after the deaths of two women. Or, you know, before.

[ +1 ] A Penn study shows that 12 congregations throughout Philly bring $50,577,098 in annual economic benefits. Long story short: A whole bunch of Wharton kids are buying churches for their thesis projects.

[ 0 ] Incoming Daily News editor Larry Platt says the newspaper's mission will be "People, Power and Gossip." "And Also My Balls."

[ +1 ] Superintendent Arlene Ackerman picks 18 more city schools to be transformed into "Renaissance Schools." Says Ackerman, "These are institutions that have reduced their Bubonic Plague deaths to meet No Child Left Behind's adequacy requirements. Students will now be weaned off Geocentrism and alchemy."

[ -5 ] A Daily News investigation finds that several police districts don't adhere to their own policies for filing complaints against cops, and sometimes even deny people from filing them. "Good story," says editor Platt. "But it needs more balls."

[ 0 ] Stomp dancers do a surprise performance at Reading Terminal Market. As in: "Surprise! It's 1995 again."

[ +1 ] Ride the Ducks promises to implement new safety procedures if allowed back in the city. OK, question: Does it still involve driving a WWII truck into a river?

[ +1 ] A man testifies in an assault case from his hospital bed at Albert Einstein Medical Center. "Your honor, everyone in this court room can see that this man is lying," says the defense. Adding, "down."

[ +1 ] Former Gov. Ed Rendell and Buzz Bissinger become columnists for the Daily News. Bissinger to get unprecedented access to the next cubicle over, as a heroic ex-mayor attempts to turn a struggling newspaper around while writing about, like, football or whatever.

This week's total: -5 | Last week's total: 5