The Bell Curve

CP's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

[+1] A Pew report shows that City Council members in Philadelphia, on average, serve longer than those in other cities. And retire twice as often.

[+10] Milton Street, recently out of jail, announces he will be running for mayor. Hey, let's all vote for him just to see if we can make Sam Katz go like completely apeshit.

[+5] In the next three years, Urban Outfitters will bring 1,000 new jobs to the area. Sorry, kids, you'll all be too old and ugly to apply by then.

[0] The Daily News calls Tony Luke a "Renaissance man." "That's a why I have returned from the grave," says the ghost of Cosimo de' Medici. "To sponsor this guy's frozen cheesesteak products."

[0] SugarHouse Casino asks the state for 14 new table games. And some kind of device that picks people up and shakes out all their money and blood.

[0] A judge hears residents' concerns about the proposed expansion of a porn theater in Center City. Then this mustachioed pool boy shows up and he's saying "I am here to service your pump" and, yeah, the meeting goes full-on orgy after that.

[+2] More than 20 residents join a new citizens committee that will advise the Delaware River Port Authority. Then this awkward pizza delivery boy shows up and, yeah, full-on orgy.

[0] GlaxoSmithKline will bring its new offices to the Navy Yard. Downstream, local fish say they expect increased circulation, better liver health and unprovoked boners.

[0] City Councilman Jim Kenney proposes that the PPA have the authority to check if work vehicles are carrying the needed business licenses. But first, the PPA needs to prove it can read anything at all. You know what? That was mean. We feel bad about it. Please, nobody read it to them.