The Bell Curve

CP's Quality-o-Life-o-Meter

[-2] Joe Scarnati, the head of the state Senate, promises to pay back a natural gas company that footed the bill for his trip to the Super Bowl. Legislatively.

[+4] The new head of the Philadelphia Housing Authority promises to create an air of "syrupy respect." Then he settles two "gooey labor contracts," fixes a few "scrumptious pension problems" and disappears in a great glass elevator.

[+1] The city's Animal Care and Control Offices rescue a puppy thought to be a dog-fighting survivor. "For the last time, stop calling me that!" says the puppy. "I'm Philly-born Hollywood movie star Bradley Cooper!"

[-2] Fire victims who once lived in Windermere Court Apartments protest the city's plan to demolish the building before they can retrieve their pets, guns and other belongings. "What the hell are we doing playing with yarn and tinfoil?" bellows Sgt. Harvey Butters, accepted leader of the abandoned Windermere cats. "Find these guns. Bring them to me."

[-2] The city puts a two-day halt on the demolition of Windermere Court Apartments. And asks that all humans be released unharmed from the building.

[-6] Pathmark announces it will shut down 10 of its area stores. So go ahead, Northern Liberties, hold your breath.

[+1] Audenried High students stage a protest against their school becoming a charter under the district's Renaissance Schools initiative. "This is just like Egypt!" they chant. "Except it's about who signs the checks for the same teachers we've had for years!"

[+1] Ralliers in near-bankrupt Harrisburg call for the mayor to step down. "Just like Egypt!" they chant. "Except instead of freedom, we're arguing about which industry and which banks to be beholden to!"

[+2] A South Philadelphia musician uses ballpoint pens to make beats. And a West Philly monologist hones his craft nightly by being crazy on the subway.