Wed., Jan. 28, 7 p.m., $15, North Star Bar, 2639 Poplar St., 866-468-7619, northstarbar.com

Fri., Jan. 23, 7:30 p.m., free, Philadelphia Ethical Society, 1906 Rittenhouse Square, 215-735-3456, phillyethics.net

Fri., Dec. 26, 10 p.m., $3, 12th Air Command, 254 S. 12th St., 12thair.com.

"Virginity used to be considered an asset, primarily because most people don't like used genitals. But after the advent of acid-washed jeans and penny loafers, people realized that some things are better when they're broken in."

"He looks like an orange gremlin coming out at you. It's almost like a fat chick driving you home at 9 in the morning, where you know its just not going to turn out well. He may be able to kick my ass, but at least I can tan, so fuck him."

Underwear is a tricky gift: Too sexy, and she won't know who it's for.

A violent showdown against Bottoms' bigger, stronger 16-year-old nemesis is written as if the author was distracted by "Return to Thunderdome," some of it osmotically absorbed into his subconscious.

"I think there are a lot of the living dead among us right now, McCain included. At least zombies eat what they kill."

Undead impersonators will swarm more than 40 cities for the first-ever World Zombie Day this Saturday. Four crawls — on Passyunk Avenue, South Street, Market Street and through NoLibs — await Philly.

Vaughnda Hilton's Philadelphia-based Native Nations Dance Theater is just one of the groups dedicated to preserving the traditions of tribes ranging from the Canadian Iroquois to the Blackfeet of Montana to Florida's Seminole.