I got you sussed. You may sit before menorahs and under mangers, but I know you. You hate that there's decent things happening to local yokels and not to you. Take Quirk Books selling the rights to Pride and Prejudice and Zombies to Natalie Portman, for her and director Richard Kelly (Donnie Darko) to make. You hate that your pals at Quirk are making money and that they didn't buy your own sad little tome about your tiny indie life, jitbag. You're disssgusted that Doc Watson's is nearly over and that it'll become a pub called (no shit) Sherlock's. It's been around since '71. You never went. Yet you don't want anyone else to want to be there ever. Have a Molson, sport. I bet you wouldn't even like comeeeedians who give poooor children tooooys for Christmas. Say hi to TuRae Gordon, Philly's rising comic supa-silly-man whose Def Comedy Jam and Comedy Central bits make him a more successful person than you'll ever be. He doubles his value Dec. 18 and 19 by hosting Toys for Tots fundraisers with standup Duck-U-Mentarian Richie Redding at Laff House. Don't bring coal, assholes. ► Laff-ing forward, did you know lanky Damon D and Danny Ozark host LaffAway Thurs, the new local standup revue at Laff House? (Also, Ozark spins hip-hop there during weekends. Good show.) Did you know Danny's Dani + Danny Show co-host Dani Mari is hosting the Christmas Village's big show at City Hall Dec. 17 at 5 p.m.?
► Thankfully it's a local restaurateur — Alex Plotkin of Chops in Bryn Mawr — who'll finally fill Walnut Street's mammoth yacht-like Oceanaire with another Chops spot in '10. Yet, at the more intimate off-n-on Moda spot in the O.C., I'm hearing it's a Chicago company with other national concerns that'll open at that Chestnut Street space in the new year. And on the retail-food-tip, look for a specialty brew shoppe to hit the 1900 block of East Passyunk before you can say "capicola."
► Seriously, y'all didn't pay enough attention to Philly's earSnake label in '09. Releases such as Gemini Wolf's gawgeously spacey Synchronized Eyes, Paper Masques' lush-n-plucky Tell the Ghosts It's Suppertime, the snazzy-ily sampladelic The Noble Failure from Solomon Slowburn. Tell them you're sorry and that you'll never stray again when those fine folk, along with 2010 releasee Circadian Rhythms, host their annual all-denominational holiday free live bash — with DJ Mikronesia — at National Mechanics Dec. 21.
► We love Top Chef boss-judge Tom Colicchio but need him to commit. I interviewed him in '08 outside Osteria and he mentioned then (as he told Wall Street Journal's Speakeasy blog last week) that Philly and Wash, D.C., would make nice homes for Chef's televised competitions. Tom. Sign on the line. Call Padma. Do it.
►There’s a double shot of Lillie Ruth Bussey going around this week and it’s sweeter than H1N1: The missus of hot-mess electronica does “Treble Without A Boss,” Dec. 17, at Slingluff Gallery with our favorite filmmaking Latino folk rocker Les Rivera (still waiting for that Creep records single, Les, the one with the Count Skotchula illustration on the front). Ruth’s band — with lanky skronkmeister Stephen Buono and Birds for Arms (featuring Eric Slick on drums) — opens for the Buono-booked extravaganza celebrating genius guitarist Rick Iannacone at Tritone Dec. 21.
► Boy did Andy Hurwitz step into a pile of gold. First, he takes over Mad Dragon Records (aka Drexel’s Antoinette Westphal College of Media Arts & Design’s coolest homework project) right when that label scores eight Independent Music Awards nominations (from a 2009 judge panel that includes Zooey Deschanel, Pete Wentz and Blink 182’s Mark Hoppus; you can vote at independentmusicawards.com). Second, Hurwitz still has another label, Ropeadope, that’ll celebrate Christmas at Marbar Dec. 23 with Leana Song and Oud Blues. Why Marbar? Hurwitz just took over its booking schedule. “Fits into my West Philly connection,” he says. He officially starts in January with a world music weekly featuring a live house band starring Pablo Batista and two Elliots, Garland and Levine.
► Expatriate Philly piano man Andy Prescott’s home for the holiday and pounding out gigs at Castello’s in North Wales (Dec. 18) and Bowman’s Tavern in New Hope (Dec. 21) before heading back to L.A.
► French BYOB Bibou on S. Eighth just got listed in GQ’s 10 Best New Restaurants of the Year in its January 2010 ish. Sweet braised pigs’ feet with foie gras!
► Dev 79, who owns CP’s club listings, is doing a night called WHO RUN IT?! with Starkey, BD1982, Ghos and Darrel Dec. 20 at Kung Fu Necktie. It sounds like that crew’s usual scary tech.
► WHOWHATWHERE: The first mention is silly and inconsequential: Eagle Asante Samuel eating “The McNabb” at Talk of the Town on Broad. The next is my saddest ever sighting, yet somehow joyful: Thurston Moore was at fellow guitarist/Philly-ian Jack Rose’s memorial services at Bringhurst Funeral Home, in Bala Cynwyd. Rose got buried at Laurel Hill Cemetery, the very sweetest spot to go if you have to go.
