[0] Federal housing authorities are considering several options that would give them more power over the Philadelphia Housing Authority. "You know what?" says PHA, hung over in the waiting room at the clinic, scrolling through its text messages in an attempt to piece together the night before. "It probably is time we had a few boundaries."

[-1] The court releases a Delaware County restaurant owner who allegedly tried to damage competitors by releasing mice inside their eateries. Which really scared all the rats.

[-3] Compared to other big cities, students in Philly fall behind in science scores. But according to our calculations, Philly kids are like a gorillian pavilion times better at math.

[+2] City Council is considering a bill that would guarantee employers provide paid sick leave for their workers. And a big cash bonus if they never return.

[+1] Gov. Tom Corbett names former mayoral candidate Sam Katz to serve on the Pennsylvania Intergovernmental Cooperation Authority. But then John Street gets the position, even though that's not how being appointed even works.

[-3] Two teens allegedly stole 60 computers from West Philadelphia High School in order to flip them on Craigslist. The good news is Wharton gave them early enrollment.

[-6] Forbes magazine calls Greater Philadelphia the most toxic large-population area in the U.S. With any luck, those toxins will knock us down to a lower-population category soon enough. Come on, toxins!

[+1] Most of the area's pollution cited in the Forbes piece is outside the city, in the suburbs. Good lookin' out, wage tax!

[0] Tony Luke opens a cheesesteak shop in Bahrain. "I just heard the name on the news and was like, 'Hey all those people partying in the streets look hungry!' What? No, I didn't catch what the story was about. Now ...]]> http://www.citypaper.net/articles/2011/02/24/the-bell-curve http://www.citypaper.net/articles/2011/02/24/the-bell-curve [ +3 ] The Philadelphia Police Department plans to hire new recruits, improve the way applicants are screened, and move to a new, free location. "OK, done," says genie. "You know, most people wish for more wishes."

[ +1 ] A former gangsta rapper who once filed suit against the Philadelphia Police Department for brutality becomes a police officer himself. And just the other day, as he rained blows upon some kid with hip-hop dreams of his own, the cop had to smile. Will the circle be unbroken?

[ -1 ] Stu Bykofsky gets a Facebook account and writes about how much he dislikes it. "I much prefer my anthropodermic bibliopegy collection," he writes. "There's no substitute for the binding power of real human faces. What? Well look it up, then. Kids today."

[ -4 ] A critic of the Philadelphia School District's restructuring plan is sent to "teacher jail." Also known as South Philly High.

[ 0 ] A state representative plans to introduce a bill that would make it illegal for superintendents to make more money than the governor. "Hope you guys like 'teacher jail,'" says Arlene Ackerman. "Watch out for the chalk shivs."

[ -3 ] A Cherry Hill schools official writes an e-mail referring to unnamed Public Works employees as "gorillas," which some say is racist. And which racists say is funny.

[ -2 ] Residents say the burned-out Windermere Court building is melting. So we race over there and it turns out they just mean it's falling apart.

[ -1 ] Some local doctors are opening membership-based practices. And what do you know? Club members are walking out with better butts than they went in with.

[ -2 ]  A lawsuit against the Philadelphia Housing Authority regarding home heating ...]]> http://www.citypaper.net/articles/2011/02/17/the-bell-curve http://www.citypaper.net/articles/2011/02/17/the-bell-curve

[-2] Joe Scarnati, the head of the state Senate, promises to pay back a natural gas company that footed the bill for his trip to the Super Bowl. Legislatively.

[+4] The new head of the Philadelphia Housing Authority promises to create an air of "syrupy respect." Then he settles two "gooey labor contracts," fixes a few "scrumptious pension problems" and disappears in a great glass elevator.

[+1] The city's Animal Care and Control Offices rescue a puppy thought to be a dog-fighting survivor. "For the last time, stop calling me that!" says the puppy. "I'm Philly-born Hollywood movie star Bradley Cooper!"

[-2] Fire victims who once lived in Windermere Court Apartments protest the city's plan to demolish the building before they can retrieve their pets, guns and other belongings. "What the hell are we doing playing with yarn and tinfoil?" bellows Sgt. Harvey Butters, accepted leader of the abandoned Windermere cats. "Find these guns. Bring them to me."

[-2] The city puts a two-day halt on the demolition of Windermere Court Apartments. And asks that all humans be released unharmed from the building.

[-6] Pathmark announces it will shut down 10 of its area stores. So go ahead, Northern Liberties, hold your breath.

[+1] Audenried High students stage a protest against their school becoming a charter under the district's Renaissance Schools initiative. "This is just like Egypt!" they chant. "Except it's about who signs the checks for the same teachers we've had for years!"

[+1] Ralliers in near-bankrupt Harrisburg call for the mayor to step down. "Just like Egypt!" they chant. "Except instead of freedom, we're arguing about which industry and which banks to be beholden to!"

[+2] A South Philadelphia musician uses ballpoint pens to make beats. And a West Philly monologist hones his craft nightly b...]]> http://www.citypaper.net/articles/2011/02/10/the-bell-curve http://www.citypaper.net/articles/2011/02/10/the-bell-curve

[+1] A Pew report shows that City Council members in Philadelphia, on average, serve longer than those in other cities. And retire twice as often.

[+10] Milton Street, recently out of jail, announces he will be running for mayor. Hey, let's all vote for him just to see if we can make Sam Katz go like completely apeshit.

[+5] In the next three years, Urban Outfitters will bring 1,000 new jobs to the area. Sorry, kids, you'll all be too old and ugly to apply by then.

[0] The Daily News calls Tony Luke a "Renaissance man." "That's a why I have returned from the grave," says the ghost of Cosimo de' Medici. "To sponsor this guy's frozen cheesesteak products."

[0] SugarHouse Casino asks the state for 14 new table games. And some kind of device that picks people up and shakes out all their money and blood.

[0] A judge hears residents' concerns about the proposed expansion of a porn theater in Center City. Then this mustachioed pool boy shows up and he's saying "I am here to service your pump" and, yeah, the meeting goes full-on orgy after that.

[+2] More than 20 residents join a new citizens committee that will advise the Delaware River Port Authority. Then this awkward pizza delivery boy shows up and, yeah, full-on orgy.

[0] GlaxoSmithKline will bring its new offices to the Navy Yard. Downstream, local fish say they expect increased circulation, better liver health and unprovoked boners.

[0] City Councilman Jim Kenney proposes that the PPA have the authority to check if work vehicles are carrying the needed business licenses. But first, the PPA needs to prove it can read anything at all. You know what? That was mean. We feel bad about it. Please, nobody read it to them.

[ -5 ] A grand jury report finds that a former Department of Health inspector failed to investigate Kermit Gosnell's abortion clinic after the deaths of two women. Or, you know, before.

[ +1 ] A Penn study shows that 12 congregations throughout Philly bring $50,577,098 in annual economic benefits. Long story short: A whole bunch of Wharton kids are buying churches for their thesis projects.

[ 0 ] Incoming Daily News editor Larry Platt says the newspaper's mission will be "People, Power and Gossip." "And Also My Balls."

[ +1 ] Superintendent Arlene Ackerman picks 18 more city schools to be transformed into "Renaissance Schools." Says Ackerman, "These are institutions that have reduced their Bubonic Plague deaths to meet No Child Left Behind's adequacy requirements. Students will now be weaned off Geocentrism and alchemy."

[ -5 ] A Daily News investigation finds that several police districts don't adhere to their own policies for filing complaints against cops, and sometimes even deny people from filing them. "Good story," says editor Platt. "But it needs more balls."

[ 0 ] Stomp dancers do a surprise performance at Reading Terminal Market. As in: "Surprise! It's 1995 again."

[ +1 ] Ride the Ducks promises to implement new safety procedures if allowed back in the city. OK, question: Does it still involve driving a WWII truck into a river?

[ +1 ] A man testifies in an assault case from his hospital bed at Albert Einstein Medical Center. "Your honor, everyone in this court room can see that this man is lying," says the defense. Adding, "down."

[ +1 ]...]]> http://www.citypaper.net/articles/2011/01/27/the-bell-curve http://www.citypaper.net/articles/2011/01/27/the-bell-curve

[+2] After suspending six whistle-blower administrators last month, the School District lets four of them return to work. "The District is wise and just," they say in unison. "We were fools to question its might."